Contemporary Christian Worship - A Satire

I cannot remember where I first saw this but I stumbled across it in my archives - very clever. Very.  I think it is a spoof :)


"Thank you for choosing to worship with us today. If you are from a church that uses traditional hymns, you may be confused. Please take a moment to read through this guide to contemporary Christian music.

In our church you will not hear "How Great Thou Art," "Wonderful Grace of Jesus," or "Like a River Glorious." (Generally, hymns that have words like “Thou” are not used. They are too archaic and are normally replaced by words like “awesome” and “miry clay”). Yes, okay, we may do "Amazing Grace" or "Peace Like a River" at some point, but as a general rule we avoid songs with too many different verses or those that can't be played easily on guitar and drums.

If you are new to worship here, you may wish to know the reasons for this. One is that deep theological concepts do not belong in contemporary Christian worship. We frown on songs that change more than one or two words for each verse. For example, our version of "Holy is the Lord" consists of repeating that phrase six times per verse and then changing "Holy" to "Worthy," "Mighty," "Jesus" and finally changing "the" to "my." Isn’t that much simpler to sing and easier to remember? The twin goals here are a) repetition and b) chanting quality. We don’t focus on what we’re singing, but how we’re singing it. The main thing is to get that kind of tingly, "olive oily" feeling. Don't worry if you don't get this right away. It will come as you learn to disengage your intellect. Just free yourself. Immerse yourself. Relax.

Nevertheless, a traditional hymn may sometimes be used. For example, we’re not averse to "Holy, Holy, Holy." You may be tempted to sing this as you would have in your former church, but please note that it is sung here with changes, mainly the fact that we repeat it several times and try to sing as slowly as possible, thereby emphasizing the funereal nature of the verse.

Repetition is very important in contemporary Christian music. We repeat: Repetition is very important in contemporary Christian music. Just because a song may have one verse and one chorus does not mean that you only sing it through once. Old hymns have several verses, each of which introduces a new theological concept, and are meant to be sung once followed by "Amen." This is no longer how it’s done. The correct procedure is to sing the identical verse and chorus at least three times. Often it is preferable to repeat the verse two times initially before moving on to the chorus.

Also the worship leader may want to repeat a verse or chorus found in the middle of the song. This is signaled by “calling an audible." When this occurs, the worship leader will say the first few words of the verse or chorus he will be singing next. Sometimes, due to the similarity of the verses, this may be confusing and the overhead projector may flash several pages of text until the correct one is arrived at. Don't panic, this is normal. Just continue singing as though you know the words and soon either the correct slide will appear or a new chorus will begin.

After the verse and chorus are sung at least three times, it is permissible for the song to end. However, the chorus must first be repeated in its entirety, then the last paragraph, then the last line. When singing the last line it is important to slow down a little and look upward. Raising a hand is permissible and often done at this time. This may take a little getting used to but don't worry, if you just join in, in a short time you won't even notice and soon you will forget that you ever did it any other way.

We are just really glad you chose to share the worship experience with us today. Thank you and we hope to see you again soon.

Thank you and we hope to see you again soon. Thank you. Thank."

A Sketch about the Apostle John

I didn't intend to start a series of posts about the Apostles but here are two in a row now!  At least I can confess that I did write this one, which is why it is nowhere near as good as the last post!  I wrote this when I was doing some thinking about why John called himself "the disciple that Jesus loved" and I will post something more serious on that one in the near future.

Scene:  A first century coffee house, (before Second Cup and Timothys became separate companies the chain was known as Second Timothy’s - you will have to be Canadian to appreciate that joke!)  The apostle John is there waiting for a chai latte.  In walks his friend Bill.

Bill:  Hi there John…haven’t seen you for a while.  What have you been up to?

John:  Oh hi Bill, yes its been a while.  I’ve been writing a book actually..and I have just finished it.

Bill:  Oh of course, I remember hearing about that.  Some sort of eye witness account of that Jesus bloke wasn’t it?  But isn’t there already 2 or 3 of those things already out there John?  Not going to sell very well is it?

John:  Actually Bill, I don’t plan to make any money out of it, that’s not what its about.  I want people to meet Jesus.

Bill:  Really? How odd! Well, have you managed to write a starring role for yourself at least, given you’ve written it?  Peter seemed to hog the limelight in the one I read and that villain Judas of course, the typical pantomime villain.

John:  Well to be quite honest Bill, I’ve kept myself a bit incognito in this one.  Actually, I don’t even mention my real name in the whole of the book.

Bill:  You’re kidding right?  Why on earth would you want to do that?

John: Well Bill, as I said, I want people to meet Jesus so the last thing I want to do is draw attention to myself

Bill:  Fair enough I suppose – so what name did you use.  Something mysterious or dramatic I hope – Boanerges, perhaps – Mr Thunder?

John:  Well it was a really tough decision in the end but the title I went for was….”the disciple who Jesus loved”

Bill:  You’re kidding now, right?  Are you insane?  The press are going to have a field day with that one.  You know all the rumours about David and Jonathon right?  What on earth possessed you to use that?

John:  Well if you read the book you’ll find out why I thought that was the most important thing that could ever be said about anybody. 

Bill:  I might just do that..whats the title of the book…

John:  errm…would you believe…The Gospel by John?

A Letter to the Apostle Paul

I wish I had written this - pure genius (taken from http://ecclesia.org/truth/paul.html


Rev. Saul Paul
Independent Missionary
Corinth, Greece

Dear Mr. Paul,
We recently received an application from you for service under our Board.
It is our policy to be as frank and open-minded as possible with all our applicants. We have made an exhaustive survey of your case. To be plain, we are surprised that you have been able to "pass" as a bonafide missionary.
 
We are told that you are afflicted with a severe eye-trouble. This is certain to be an insuperable handicap to an effective ministry. Our Board requires 20/20 vision.

At Antioch, we learn, you opposed Dr. Simon Peter, an esteemed home missionary and actually rebuked him publicly. You stirred up so much trouble at Antioch that a special Board meeting had to be convened in Jerusalem. We cannot condone such actions.

Do you think it seemly for a missionary to do part-time secular work? We hear that you are making tents on the side. In a letter to the church at Phillipi, you admitted that they were the only church supporting you. We wonder why.
Is it true that you have a jail record? Certain brethren report that you did two years time at Caesarea and were imprisoned at Rome.

You made so much trouble for the business men at Ephesus that they refer to you as "the man who turned the world upside down." Sensationalism, in missions, is uncalled for. We also deplore the lurid "over-the-wall-in-a-basket" episode at Damascus.

We are appalled at your obvious lack of conciliatory behavior. Diplomatic men are not stoned and dragged out of the city gates, or assaulted by furious mobs. Have you ever suspected that gentler words might gain you more friends? I enclose a copy of Dalius Carnagus' book, "How To Win Jews and influence Greeks."
In one of your letters, you refer to yourself as "Paul the aged." Our new mission policies do not envisage a surplus of superannuated recipients.

We understand that you are given to fantasies and dreams. At Troas, you saw "a man of Macedonia" and at another time "were caught up into the third heaven" and even claimed "the Lord stood by" you. We reckon that more realistic and practical minds are needed in the task of world evangelism.

You have caused much trouble everywhere you have gone. You opposed the honorable women at Berea and the leaders of your own nationality in Jerusalem. If a man cannot get along with his own people, how can he serve foreigners? We learn that you are a snake-handler. At Malta, you picked up a poisonous serpent which is said to have bitten you, but you did not suffer harm. Tsk, Tsk, Tsk!

You admit that while you were serving time at Rome that "all forsook you." Good men are not left friendless. Three fine brothers, by the names of Diotrephes, Demas and Alexander, the coppersmith, have notarized affidavits to the effect that it is impossible for them to cooperate with either you or your program.
We know that you had a bitter quarrel with a fellow missionary named Barnabas. Harsh words do not further God's work.

You have written many letters to churches where you have formerly been pastor. In one of the letters, you accused a church member of living with his father's wife, and you caused the whole church to feel badly; and the poor fellow was expelled.
You spend too much time talking about "the second coming of Christ." Your letters to the people at Thessalonica were almost entirely devoted to this theme. Put first things first from now on.

Your ministry has been far too flighty to be successful. First Asia Minor, then Macedonia, then Greece, then Italy and now you are talking about a wild goose chase into Spain. Concentration is more important than dissipation of one's powers. You cannot win the whole world by yourself. You are just one little Paul.
In a recent sermon, you said "God forbid that I should glory in anything save the cross of Christ." It seems to us that you also ought to glory in our heritage, our denominational program, the unified budget, our Cooperative Program and the World Federation of Churches.

Your sermons are much too long for the times. At one place, you talked until after midnight and a young man was so asleep that he fell out of the window and broke his neck. Nobody is saved after the first twenty minutes any way. "Stand up, speak up and then shut up," is our advice.

Dr. Luke reports that you are a thin little man, bald, frequently sick and always so agitated over your church that you sleep very poorly. He reports that you pad around the house praying half the night. A healthy mind in a robust body is our ideal for all applicants. A good night's sleep will give you zest and zip so that you wake full of zing.

We find it best to send only married men into foreign service. We deplore your policy of persistent celibacy. Simon Magus has set up a matrimonial bureau at Samaria, where the names of some very fine widows are available.

You wrote recently to Timothy that "you had fought a good fight." Fighting is hardly a recommendation for a missionary. No fight is a good fight. Jesus came, not to bring a sword, but peace. You boast that "I fought with wild beasts at Ephesus." What on earth do you mean?

It hurts me to tell you this, Brother Paul, but in all of my twenty-five years experience, I have never met a man so opposite to the requirements of our Foreign Mission Board. If we accepted you, we would break every rule of modern missionary practice.

Most Sincerely yours,
J. Flavious Fluffyhead,
Foreign Mission Board Secretary